by Lui Gervais
At Touching the Heart of Stillness, Steve Schwartberg shared more wisdom that any one person should possess in a lifetime. Although we were steeped in the tradition of Buddhist meditation for the week, this is the piece that has stayed with me in the time since the retreat. Steve shared that in his Jewish tradition they carry around two pieces of paper with them at all times, one in each pocket. On one piece of paper it is written “you are the reason that the Universe exists!” on the other, it says “you are nothing but ash and dust.”
I tried it myself, walking through the world with these messages burning holes in my pocket like money I was eager to spend. I am the reason that the Universe exists?! And I am nothing but ash and dust. On one hand, I could feel myself expanding with the galaxies. A supernova of light and chemical reactions. Stepping into a centerstage spotlight to simply be there, here. In this moment. On this planet. Looking around at the sideways traveling light, glancing off of old growth tree trunks and taking in the aroma of wilting roses in the fall garden. Someone has to do it. And it is me! And you! I guess this center of the Universe idea is kissing cousins with If a tree falls in a forest and there is no one there to hear it, does it still make a sound? Someone has to look around with awe and say wow…this whole Universe thing is some spectacular shit. I mean… kangaroos. And lotus flowers. And blackholes. It’s like the Universe just went into creative overdrive and then realized, you know what would make this whole thing even better? Someone to look around and saw wow. And here we are.
And then in the other pocket, we are nothing but ash and dust. That does take some of the punch out of the punchbowl. I am merely an actor who struts and frets for an hour upon the stage and then is heard no more. The gift is ours to borrow. So, no I can’t fill in for you at work today. I have a precious dance to do, that only I can do. Before the wave of ash and dust take away my breath and bury me in a layer of sediment, I am going out to find me some joy.
And it’s all around. It’s all around us all the time. In the color of the falling maple leaves that line the road. In the dumb sweet face of the dogs that push their noses at my thighs on the sidewalks. Hey Universe! Dogs! Brilliant, idea! Two thumbs, way up! And cats, too. Wow. How did you think of cats?!
When I back up far enough and hold out my hands to what is right in front of me, the joy of life is blasting me in the face. Out of the corners of my eyes the crumpled slips of paper uncurl themselves like snails. I am the reason the Universe exists and I am nothing but ash and dust. That is a recipe for freedom. And serious importance. A stagehand poking us in the ribs saying “you’re on! You’re on!” I step out and look around and for a moment I don’t think I know my lines.
On a sonoran desert toad medicine journey, I traveled from palm to palm. At one point I sat up and declared one loud word at a time. “I am an enlightened man on the planet! Thank you for seeing me! Thank you for receiving me!’ And then a few minutes later, I was rolling around on the floor laughing hysterically, when I heard myself say “OMG, You are hilarious. You think you are so important. You take yourself so seriously. You are so, so funny.”
Maybe that is the center point between You are the reason the Universe exists and you are nothing but ash and dust, don’t take it all so seriously. Go out there and bliss out in the awe of a pine cone cause that’s all that is on offer. And all my urgency of finishing this book, or lifting the skin that is slowly migrating like a glacier across my eyes, and the price of gas are just distractions from the main event.
Wow. Amazing. Wee! Look around! And then the hook comes and it pulls us offstage into the darkened wings. And you think, what was that all about? And what it was all about taking your turn to look through the viewfinder. Don’t worry about when your quarter will run out of time. Just enjoy the view. Eat good food and bad food. And say I love you all the time to everyone dancing in the summer sun spotlight with you. The dust and ash are coming, but they are not gathering here now. They are not even a problem. So let’s dance for we, you and me and this dance are the very reason that the Universe exists. Hit it!